i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
