You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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