Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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