mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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