No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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