My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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