when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
