I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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