dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
