My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
