I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
