why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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