I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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