Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
