So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
