I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
