Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
