She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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