he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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