dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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