remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
