I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
