roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
