I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
