Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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