Don't make out with my wife yet
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
