Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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