Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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