I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently you make a good broom.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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