Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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