i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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