Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
