my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize