dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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