I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
