you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
