we have pet lesbian snakes
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
