I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize