i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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