I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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