she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
