the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
