Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
