Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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