Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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