Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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