Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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