i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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