Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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