i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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