I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
