today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
