: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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