Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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