he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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