Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
