I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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